I have been following the Broken Series since the miniature human being that runs this blog started doing them. I love the stories. Not because I share in the pain but because women can recognize 100 different color gradations but can’t see a red flag. Anyway, I’m not here to victim-blame. So far only ladies have been sharing their stories. And it is only fair that I flag off men’s stories. Because I am a pioneer like that. But instead of sharing my worst heartbreak, I am going to share my funniest. The one I saw coming, just not from the direction I expected.
My friends think I’m the most emotionally unavailable dude they’ve ever met. They think that the only love I have is for Chelsea, Gor Mahia, cartoons, and fried chicken. But I didn’t lose my virginity to my hands, so? Also, I’ve shot my shot at the owner of this blog. But like Equity Bank ATMs, when you need them most, they are always doing what they know best yet in real sense what you needed was your money. Long story short, she is currently broken. I’ll try again after some time. Until the second half of 2019, I have always been in a relationship since 2010. I’m not a man-hoe. The first one lasted about 7 months. It was the best relationship and the worst heartbreak I’ve ever been in. The second one is the one we are going to talk about, it lasted about one year. The third one went up to 2018. Then there have been two short-term loan contracts after that.
If there’s a reason Ruto might miss out on my vote in 2022, it is because Kalenjin men are romance saboteurs. 2011. First year, second semester. Met this beautiful Kale woman. Too cute, calm, and laid back but spoke her mind when she felt you weren’t doing her right. Just how I like my women. She was also in one of the many choirs on campus. How did I know she was laid back but spoke her mind when wronged? Because she was my roommate’s girlfriend. Before you preach the Bro Code to me, please know that being a roommate doesn’t automatically elevate someone to a bro. The girls really loved him but the Kisii in him couldn’t allow him to love her the way she deserved to be loved. They fought more times than they made love.
And you know what Opija Ka Elly says. Ukipata mtu ameweka manzi yake vibaya, nyakua.
Long story short. She said yes to a date. Then a sleepover. Then to many more things after that. Then the external attacks started. I had always heard that Kalenjins only date within their circles. And I always thought that it is just another Churchill Show stale joke. Kalenjin men refer to their women as “sis.” I know it’s the right way, but “siz” sounds better. They always got to my last nerve with sis-ing every sentence, but I had shed my combat character for a diplomatic one after telling an aunt to stay in her lane (a story for another day). They would always speak in Kale, and “sis” it at the end in a Kale accent.
They were always coming over in their free time because “I was their in-law” and as such, my door was always “open to them.” It annoyed the shit out of me. Because their mission wasn’t to strengthen our in-law ship but to ask her why she chose me instead of a Kale fellow. The conversation was always uncomfortable for her and she’d always shut them up with “you know he understands our language, I taught him.” It made me love her more. After that, they would gai gai gai and hurriedly leave. A week later they would show up again (unannounced) for another attempt at it. The only Kale word I know up to today is iomune, and I have even forgotten whether it means good morning or goodnight.
Anyway, she managed to resist long enough for them to leave us alone. And then I got too comfortable. She had this best friend who was always third-wheeling us. Unless she was coming over for her Luo medication that she was willing to “betray” her tribe for, I was sure she would tag her along. At one point I started questioning whether she was playing for both teams but I always reminded myself that she knew nothing so how would she even be a competitor, there was no way!
One day we went over to the best friend’s place to pick her up for dinner. You can give ladies a 96-year head start to prepare for something, and she will start preparing only when you go to pick her up. We had told her we would be having dinner together but she waited until we arrived to go take a shower. That’s another hour of waiting. I was hungry so when I found a banana under her pillow, I ate it. It was huge and I felt full. I know you are probably wondering why a banana was on the bed and precisely under the pillow. I have no idea too and at that point I didn’t even find it weird, I just ate and after I was done, I contemplated skipping dinner since I was full. She came back and found me finishing the last part, just so you know she threw a fit. I told her I would buy her a bunch. She threw more fits. Dinner was very uncomfortable. And that’s the last time I heard from either of them. We crossed paths several times after that, but nothing beyond Hi’s. What three men couldn’t do in a semester was done by one lady in a night. I expected external attacks to be the end of us, just not that external attack.
Ladies, please. If you have food products that you use for non-food purposes, keep them out of hungry people’s reach.
Okay, at this point I am laughing at the owner of this story. First of all, this is what happens when you trust your Luo medication so much, some people don’t even need to try so hard all they do is wave and everything will fall into place. Sorry for losing sis to that one person you considered a bad kisser hahaha you live to fight another day.