Beautifully Broken

How is everyone doing, how is quarantine for all of you? As for me, quarantine got me starting off this series. I have been unpacking my feelings and just keeping track of how I feel emotionally since we have all the time and we over thinkers are doing the most. Also, do you like our blog’s new look?

Broken series kicks off and guess whose story is first! I never knew the very first story on this series would be mine. I wanted to be the last or maybe I just wanted people to start and hopefully join along the way. Look at us here we are and my story comes first because at times the only way to do it right is by starting with your own.

See 2018 showed me flames and when I say flames, I mean it. I barely remember half of that year all I know is that a lot happened one of them being this blog.

See once upon a time I thought I had made it in this life. Why am I saying I thought I had made it? I was in one of those ‘relationships’ that made me feel safe, those that when you needed something done you would count on your person, the kind that someone knew what you were thinking even before you talked about it. I need not to mention those long phone calls that we both dozed off on. Most of my siblings had met this guy and since I was always home with my mum, she had met him too, and from the look of things she liked him. You see, I had made it but sadly it was all in my head as you will later see. We had really bad days and most importantly good days. Good days that once translated to random road trips and surprise lunches out of town and at times just sitting in silence letting each other do their thing. I was so much into whatever it is that we had that I never realized I was low-key being drained but for some reason my brain registered it as the best time of my life.

One time, we had this bad fallout because Mr. Y had sent a text about him knocking off another girl andI was mad. First, I could not understand why he only settled for a text message instead of a one on one conversation. I may not be sure of how I would have reacted but at least one on one conversation would have toned down my madness. And since to be forewarned is to be forearmed, I decided to reach out to Y needless to say he never answered nor returned my call. I then decided to leave him a text wishing him well as he handled his stuff and we both went MIA for months.  You see what toxicity does to people. You automatically get used to things that aren’t normal but to you they are.

The next months went by quickly each of us going about our businesses while trying to put everything behind us. I was angry and the only person who could answer my questions was avoiding me so I let everything remain as it is. After several months reached out and this time with a story about wanting someone to talk to since his dad was sick among many other things. Yours truly was there listening. Yes, I was mad but how do you ignore someone when their parent is in the hospital yet you know too well the kind of relationship they had. I know I was damn to even listen just say it. Imagine we just moved on like nothing happened and somehow, I was okay. Days go by and for a moment in my head we were alright. We went from arguments to talking about things that worried us the most. For once, I thought we were in a good place and for the first time in many years and that is all I needed even though I knew pretty well there were so many questions left unanswered. Months later, I got a new job and moved to this city where every progress we had made quickly spiraled downhill.

You see, when you get a new job especially one that you haven’t done before you swear to give your best because you are not about to lose a job because you did not try. Funny thing is that Y knew so well that I was trying to survive because everything was so new to me especially this city. Being the supporter, he was he plans a road trip and together with his friends we go to the mighty Rusinga Island. This was the best time of my life because for once I had a chance to breathe air out of this city with the one person I cared about. After that weekend we went back to our normal lives thinking we were finally in a good place because our galleries were overwhelmed. Did I tell you we did a sunset shoot somewhere on the shows of Lake Victoria? If you know me too well you probably know my heart beats for sunsets. The pictures were amazing because we had done our research, we even had Pinterest pins for all these ideas. Too bad those photos will never see the light of day even though some already have.

The following year was like walking through a muddy terrain with very big gumboots because I didn’t feel like I was moving. I was constantly feeling drained and that I was trying too hard and being the person, I am I gave up trying because everything was one way. This is the point the mud hit the fan and Y was out and did not care to tell me because me on the other side I had just got a job that I loved at the time and I was giving it my best. I was doing well this other side that I forgot to keep track of how I felt emotionally and since I was the only one who was reaching out, we never talked much.

So, one morning I woke up to his whatsapp status. By the way if you are one of these people who break up with people on whatsapp just know you is trash lol. He had posted the photo of another girl saying all these good things about her. When I asked who she was he gave some rude answer I have long forgotten. So, I finally reach out to talk and he was only answering what I asked and that is when I knew this was done. See, I was used to him going off for days but this here was different because he was distant. I know people I talk to on a daily basis so when someone’s energy changes I always notice it. This is the last time we talked and just so you know it did not end well. We had a terrible conversation with him throwing words here and there and me crying on the other end. This is someone I had seen like a month ago but he chose not to have this conversation instead he resolved to a text but si we move. This is not the worst part, he told me all we had was a sensual relationship and this is where I broke down. You see why I had put relationship in quotes at the beginning now.

Days that followed were tough since I was furious about everything, from disrespect to everything that summed up that conversation. I had invested so much in this ‘relationship’ but just as I have been saying from the beginning it was all in my head. Anyway, if tears would earn people money then trust me, I would be very rich right now and obviously doing the most with that money. This is the season I prayed more than ever because I needed peace and just to let the man above do his thing since for me, I was defeated. Have in mind that at this time Y was already in a relationship flooding social media and mimi I was left to answer questions from our friends. Some even sent me screenshots of the posts and by the way if you are one of them si Mungu alikuona hahaha. All I am saying is pain doesn’t care what you are doing. You might be asleep but the next minute you are awake crying asking why. Also, maybe I was toxic to him, I hope he found healing as I struggle with mine.

 Fast forward to end of 2018, Y reached out asking for forgiveness. He had some shady story about a dream I laugh about to date but since this is someone, I knew for so many years I ignored him because there is no need of re-opening issues plus only God forgives, I am just an instrument lol.  I know you are wondering why I was being petty but see when you have constantly forgiven someone giving them chances that they did not deserve then you will probably understand.  That was the last conversation we ever had before he finally blocked me on whatsapp and truth is that is the best thing that ever happened

Years later I must say I have made progress; I have forgiven myself for not being wiser and not knowing better. Two years later I am learning to appreciate what happened then, who knows where we would have been. I still have breakdowns especially during this isolation period since it is just my thoughts and I. For me quarantine has taught me to confront my fears, be in touch with my feelings and accepting that it is what it is and we move regardless. See, sometimes these heartbreaks end up being part of us just learn to live and heal with your Ls darling.

Most importantly, learn to communicate. This is one thing I learnt from my ‘relationship’ or whatever we had with Y and I will forever be grateful. At least he taught me how important it is to ask questions and not assume stuff because were it not for assumptions I made we wouldn’t have gone through this. Talk to the person/people in your life if you feel you need clarity. Communicate your feelings and when necessary ask those tough questions because I’d rather a broken heart than a pool of confusion. Some days I wish I asked the questions I didn’t ask but we move and learn. Over this period, I am also slowly learning that heartbreaks are part of the journey and however hard it is to believe; it does get better. Healing eventually finds you. It may not be today or tomorrow but it does come. Remember that till you know yourself, you will not be able to recognize love, do not settle and most importantly choose someone who chooses you because at the end of the day you matter and his/her views do not matter.

Till next time;

Love, learn and forgive.

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52 Comments

  1. Well written! I have picked a few lessons for my relationships and whatever things I will have with people.

    What exactly do you mean when you say “… job that I loved at the time”

  2. I will never forget what this ‘relationship’ did to you. Nevertheless, i am proud of your progress girl.

  3. Baaaaaaaaaaabe!!!! I am so proud of you. First I love the new look. Second, Omg. Hugs.. Nitaleta hugs Zambia.

  4. I love the new look. And yes, men who break up with people via text are trash lol. But see we have moved, and keep moving.

  5. Well put penny just realized break ups are never the same….but yess they happen n it’s good to embrace ourselves when they do….”its rather u get a heart break than be in a pool of confusion”

  6. Wooow a great piece and very relatable…I hope my healing will get me to a point I can talk about it cause like am expecting to cry a river tonight hahaaaa
    Yeees, ask those tough questions they’ll save your tears. Well done Jaber.

    1. Crying cleanses the soul never shy away from crying. Don’t stress healing will find us but for now we live one day at a time. Thank you for passing by

  7. I love how you’ve confronted your fears gal,,nice piece soon enough you will find that someone who will make you write a piece on “how I found love”… All the best hun

  8. great piece and I agree don’t settle, healing eventually finds yo. the scars we bear are a sign of strength and triumph

  9. Phenny,
    The new look is super friendly.

    On this post, I’d say slaves don’t speak out. I believe you’re free and better equipped for better moments ahead.

  10. Awesome blog. I love it! Thanks for sharing your journey with us. Scars make us stronger each day, and I can tell you are one strong lady. cheers!!

  11. I am so sorry for all the hurt you went through. Heartbreaks are horrible but we all have learned valuable lessons from them. I am so happy you are finding yourself, building skill and being happy. I will always wish you happiness above everything else. Keep being awesome!

  12. 2018 must have been a bastard year for many. I’m glad you got your closure. Some of us… Me… Are still walking in fear of so many “what ifs”. This is healing in itself.

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